Thomo at the Doctor’s

Originally Posted by: ThomoTheLost on 9 August 2004 at 00:35

In all fairness, I should relate the conversation between my doctor and me at my last check-up. Before taking this last world tour, I took my somewhat fulsome figure off to the doctor for a check-up.

“May I see Dr Le please?” says Thomo (Dr Le is Thomo’s Vietnamese Doctor).

“No” says the ever helpful and quite spunky doctor’s receptionist, “he is on a course for 12 months learning about doctoring”

“Bugger” says Thomo. “What was he doing before?”

“He has a locum” says the ever helpful and quite spunky doctor’s receptionist (I am getting old – she is 40 and looks good – argh!).

“OK” says Thomo, “I’ll see the locum.”

The locum turns out to be a rather solid 30-35 year old Russian Woman. “Hmm” thinks Thomo.

[at this point intrepid reader, everything said by the doctor is said with fine Russian Accent – please read it with same fine Russian Accent]

Doctor: Yes?

Thomo: It is time for my check-up.

Doctor: OK. First we check blood pressure.

[Doctor takes blood pressure three times]

Doctor: I take blood pressure three times. I not like first result so I take average. Hmm, OK, perfect! I see we have not had your blood. I want your blood. I have no baseline. You give me blood!

Thomo: OK.

[Thomo goes off to pathology – twice. The girl first time failed to find blood on two attempts and in Australia, if she fails twice, she has to pass off to another person to attempt the pathology. I think that the rules for stopping at two attempts are based in the fact that if she fails a third time the patient themselves may feel that they have no blood in their veins. So, it was back the next morning and a different girl who succeeded]

[Thomo returns to the doctor]

Doctor: We have your blood. Let me see.

Blood Sugar? Perfect!

Cholesterol? Perfect! Hmm, wait a minute, your HDL is a little low … eat more fish … but cholesterol is perfect! Grilled fish, not fried!

[Bug’rit thinks Thomo]

Triglycerides? Perfect!

Sticky Platelets? Perfect!

Risk of Diabetes? Perfect!

Everything? Perfect!

Blood? Perfect!

You are perfect!

…. But you are fat!

You are 30 kgs too fat …. but only lose 20 – you are big man – you need to carry a little! You drink beer. Stop drinking beer, only drink red wine!

Thomo: How much red wine?

Doctor: As much as you like, everything is perfect! But you are fat!

So here I am now, perfect but fat … and I have been ordered by my doctor to drink myself stupid on red wine every night whilst eating more fish. The problem? Well everyone knows that you should drink white wine with fish 😦

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